I recently attended a lecture by Marianne Williamson, one of the world’s foremost teachers of A Course in Miracles, on the topic of forgiveness. Traditionally forgiveness requires a swallowing of the hurt and pain that we deem to be the result of the actions or words of another, and whether we are successful at this or not, we overlook everything that has gone down and go on as if everything is fine. This is forgiveness 101. A Course in Miracles, however, departs from traditional church teachings, and offers a more nuanced interpretation.
A Course of Miracles alerts us to the emotional poison that lies, often undetected, within us, when we do not genuinely feel the forgiveness and healing that we outwardly portray. Forgiveness ensures that anger, resentment, bitterness and revenge do not take up residence within us, eventually festering into physical and emotional disease and dysfunction. We forgive, not for primarily for the benefit of others, the Course teaches, but for ourselves, to prevent further, often more serious, disorder.
Williamson says that when we forgive, even when the acts of the other person are egregious, we are not condoning the actions of the other person. Nor does our forgiveness mean that they do not have to change their behavior. Whether we forgive or not, as Williamson points out, we can never make others change. Our only intention in forgiving another is for our own well-being, with the added hope, though not expectation, that everyone is healed.
In reality the behavior of others can never hurt us. It is only our perception of their behavior that causes us pain or suffering. If we choose not to be hurt, if we choose to see that their behavior is only ever about them, and has nothing to do with us, then we truly cannot be hurt by others.
There is one caveat that must be added here. One aspect of our interactions with others is governed by the Golden Rule. We treat others in the way we wish to be treated, not because this is merely a good guide to socially or morally acceptable behavior, but because it is a spiritual fact of life. The energy we put out there, how we treat others, will be what we experience ourselves.
Therefore our interactions with others contain a karmic element whereby we experience the energy we have created in our words and behaviors. That energy seems to come from others, because they are the vehicle through which the energy comes, but, in fact, it is we ourselves who created the energetic exchange with our own behavior.
So in all our dealings with others, Williamson reminds us that we should examine what part of the interaction we should take responsibility for, not for the purpose of feeling guilt or shame, but for the purpose of healing.
Once we take full responsibility for our part in all our interactions we are then free to forgive ourselves on the basis that this was merely the way we chose to learn. We are not bad people, we are just learning through experience. Whether we realize it or not, we have to learn through experience what makes us feel fulfilled, content and peaceful. From this we learn how to be truly loving, both of ourselves, and of others. Only experience can truly teach us this. Learning love through the experience of its seeming opposite is actually the very essence and purpose of life.
When we understand this, forgiveness of both ourselves and of the other is a natural and authentic byproduct.
Once we have identified what we need to learn from our interactions, we are then free to decide whether to continue our relationship with the other person. Forgiving them does not require us to keep them in our inner circle. Forgiveness merely changes our feelings towards the behavior that seemed to hurt us.
As Williamson says, forgiveness does not reduce our IQ, and anger and self-righteousness do not make us smarter. We do not have to continue to engage with someone who continues to behave in ways we do not like, and this applies to everyone, including family. Unconditional love requires that we allow others to do and be what they choose, without judging them or trying to change them.
We never have the power to change others, but we always have the power to protect ourselves and to choose only the interactions and experiences that honor our peace and well-being. Thus, we are always free to move away from the other person to avoid future interactions. Sometimes this is the most loving thing we can do.
