A column in one of the Melbourne weekend magazines recently offered advice about how to write a wedding speech. After listing some of the obvious do’s and don’ts the advice boiled down to five words: be funny, clever and kind.

It seems to me that this is the stuff of life, not just wedding entertainment.

The three are interconnected, in ways we don’t always see. If you have one, chances are you probably have the other two. But if we feel we are neither funny nor clever, then kind is where we have to start. It is amazing how being kind, both to ourselves and others leads to the other two.

Edward de Bono helped me with all of this. In his book *How to Have a **Beautiful Mind *he encourages us to always seek out points of commonality with others, instead of dwelling on our differences in both background and outlook.

When I read this several years ago it was a revelation to me. In expressing my opinions I always thought I was providing a springboard into intellectual debate, which I found stimulating. If I found the arguments of others sufficiently cogent, I would adjust my point of view, although this was a rarer occurrence than I would like to admit.

I have since come to understand that more often than not opinions merely divide us. Rarely do they provide a platform for mutual understanding and positive communication. It is far more likely that they alienate us from others (and they from us) because they highlight the differences between us, when we all, deep down, crave connection and oneness (because that is our source and origin).

It had always been my belief that well-considered and constructed opinions and arguments were a sign of intelligence. However de Bono pointed out that it is a characteristic of intelligence, the hallmark of a beautiful mind, to be able to establish peaceful and empathetic connections with others. This transformed how I viewed my interactions with others, as well as who I was aiming to be as a person.

Being kind, I came to see, is a part of being smart. I found that the kinder I was, the more prepared I was to send my mind into avenues and pathways that searched out understanding and connection with others and the smarter I seemed to become.

I came to understand that it takes significant intelligence not to sweep others into broad categories and stereotypes. Truly understanding others cannot be achieved by staying within the particular set of beliefs that we are raised with. This is just our starter’s pack that we must add to and modify as we live our lives and add to experience.

We must be prepared to open our minds to ideas and concepts that we have never encountered before and endeavour to adjust our world view accordingly.

As a result of this process I came to see the intricacies and subtleties of intelligent and profound interaction with others. This acceptance of difference led to an increased awareness of the humour in life, an enhanced appreciation for the utter absurdity that lies at the root of human emotions and behaviour. And when we see how we are all absurd in our own ways, we can begin to take ourselves far less seriously and be honest enough to make fun of ourselves.

Self-deprecating humour is an extremely effective social cement. It bonds us and unifies us because it extends an invitation to others to laugh at the utter irrationality and silliness that underpins much human behaviour and experience.

We laugh at that absurdity itself, not the person we think displays that absurdity (because we are all the same in this respect). When we can laugh at ourselves we do not need to laugh ‘at’ others because, in effect, we understand that, given the right set of circumstances and conditions, we ‘are’ them, and they us.

So I found that ‘kind’ pre-empted ‘clever’ and, slowly and gradually, ‘clever’ morphed into ‘funny.’ And somewhere in amongst all that, peace settled in and made itself comfortable.

Eileen McBride
Eileen McBride is the author of Love Equals Power 2, a spiritual seeker and teacher. This article was published on September 16, 2010.