I am a complete and utter extrovert and I spent the first part of my life avoiding solitude (unless I managed to get my hands on a riveting book) and chasing social contact - wherever, whenever and however I could find it. I was fairly undiscerning and I wasted enormous amounts of time and energy trying to fit in with, and gain the acceptance of, people with whom I should never have given more than a passing glance.
Then my husband of 20 years died suddenly and all of a sudden my greatest fears were foisted upon me. All of my friends were happily coupled, and it was all very awkward and inconvenient. I no longer fit their social patterns and I quickly realized I was, for the first time in my life, truly alone.
This is what I have learned after 10 years of aloneness:
a) That my experience of solitude is determined purely by the narrative that I create in my own head. We are all well versed in the customary social commentary that not only repeatedly describes being alone as “sad and lonely,” but that the two states of being are synonymous. We have been so brainwashed into believing that no one would actually ever choose to be alone if we have options. It is assumed we are alone because we are rejected, unwanted, undesirable. I came to see that the very same set of circumstances could either be filled with misery and dissatisfaction or they could be the source of joy and peace. It all turns on which thoughts I choose to entertain about my situation.
b) It is easier to live more truly free when we are alone. To be totally and authentically free, we must be liberated from the pressures and expectations, as well as the words, deeds and behavior of others. This is particularly pertinent for those who have what Oprah calls the “pleasing disease,” or we naturally give too much weight to others’ opinions, demands or desires. For women like me, the dominant masculine culture ensured that it took decades of adult experience to finally discover the work I wanted to do (when I first entered the workforce after college I endured six long years in a job I hated just to keep a man happy), how I like to vacation, the music I like to listen to and when I like to listen to it, when and how I sleep, and what movies and books I now know to avoid. I spent so much time eating food I didn’t like, enduring jokes I didn’t find funny and conversations I found boring, wearing clothes based on other people’s taste, but most importantly, tamping down aspects of my personality so that others would not be threatened or made uncomfortable.
Of course we cannot remain permanently alone. We are social beings, and one of the fundamentals of this life is that we need to learn many of our life lessons through relationship with others. But once we have worked out who we are, what we like, where we want to go and how we want to get there, our relationships become so much more rewarding, satisfying and enjoyable largely because we have learnt how to set the boundaries in the relationship that not only protect us but also enable greater, and more enduring peace, harmony and growth of the relationship.
c) True creativity and inspiration visit when we are alone. Creativity requires that we have plenty of time to exercise, read, sleep, and therefore dream, ponder and daydream, to meditate and be in silence, to experiment and play, and finally, just be. It is only when we are alone that we can be silent long enough to allow the new and “big” ideas of our creativity to drop into our consciousness. We need significant periods of solitude to silence the constant chatter of our left brains (which enables us to survive in the practical world) and give precedence to our right brain, which enables us to tap into the ideas that are bigger than the sum of our experiences. We need these “big” ideas if we are to transform the universal experience into our own unique and original creations.
When we are no longer afraid to be alone, a whole new world becomes available to us.
