Good strong boundaries are an absolute must for self-love. In fact self-love will always elude us without clear demarcation between what is our stuff, and what is not. The old adage ‘good fences make good neighbours’ applies as much to our emotional and spiritual life as to our physical and social life. It is in obvious and unambiguous division between what is our concern and everything else that we are able to find the space to love, respect and honour ourselves and our true desires.
The first issue is where the boundary should lie. This is more complicated than one might think. Other people so readily put their stuff onto us it is sometimes difficult to get the objectivity required to know what truly concerns us, and what has absolutely nothing to do with us.
Wherever the boundary lies, the crucial thing is that it is we ourselves that decide. We should never allow others to shame, guilt or bully us into placing the fence line anywhere other than where we want, and need, it to be. It is our fence, and we get to decide. Even the most important people in our lives - including our parents, lovers, spouses, best friends, teachers, employers and priests - have no say in this delineation of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual space.
We all choose differently, but we all need to choose. It is one of the non-negotiables in the process of discovering who we are, what we want, and how we are going to live our lives. As Dr Phil famously says, we teach people how to treat us. Without good strong boundaries of our own choosing to protect us we have little hope of teaching others to respect our needs and desires.
It doesn’t matter where the line is actually drawn. Just so long as you know, and everyone else you deal with knows, what you’re up for, and what you’re not. We all need to know the point at which we will say “Thus far, and no farther!”
