Tom* began working at my gym a couple of months ago. He has the shiniest eyes and the broadest smile and from the time I first met him I wanted to get to know him. His open, welcoming expression and his ability to connect with everyone he meets makes him a very appealing and attractive person. You just want to be in his space and share some of his wonderful energy.

Yesterday I finally got the chance to chat to Tom. He told me that from the age of 14 he’d made the conscious decision to be a positive and happy person. He said his parents were very negative, almost bitter, and from early on he was determined not to be like them.

It was perhaps unusual for someone to be so clear about who they are and how they wanted their life to be from such a young age, but this is self-love in action and, with love, age is irrelevant. Tom clearly had a sense of his own worth and his unique contribution to life and he was not going to allow the beliefs and prejudices of his parents deter him from the life he knew to be possible.

It’s not that Tom doesn’t love his parents; it’s just that he doesn’t accept their view of the world. He doesn’t judge them or try to change them. He accepts them as they are, but he does not allow them to dictate what is possible for him or how his own life will be.

It would be difficult to find a better example of self-love: how it works and what it looks like. It forces us to draw clear boundaries between what we want in our life and everything else that, even though they may seem inevitable, inherited, or just probable, they need not be part of our lives or experience.

When we love ourselves it doesn’t mean we don’t love others, or even put others first at times. We know who we are and what we will accept into our lives, so we are secure and safe in that. From this place we feel happy to allow others to be who they are with no desire to change them. In this way our love of ourselves expands into love of others. Love begets love.

*Tom is not his real name.

Eileen McBride
Eileen McBride is the author of Love Equals Power 2, a spiritual seeker and teacher. This article was published on February 16, 2010.