Why do people say that we cannot love others if we don't love ourselves?

This question is often asked. Here are some ideas:

When we love ourselves:

• we know who we are and we respect and honor all the ways in which we are different from others.
• we don’t disrespect our ourselves by trying to be what we are not, or by trying to be what others want/need/expect us to be, or try to be an artificial and (usually) diminished version of someone else.
• we understand our desires and the need to fulfill them, regardless of what others want/need/expect, because we understand that our heart’s desire is our path to the greatest and fullest expression of ourselves.
• we accept our shadow side, understanding that free will requires that we have something to choose between, and that we are only tempted to choose the darker options and give expression to unloving qualities like hatred, revenge, resentment until we learn, through experience, that not only do they do not take us to our heart’s desire, they are obstacles to it.
• we own our mistakes because we understand that mistakes are the crucial, even sacred, means by which we learn to navigate the hidden and difficult path to our heart’s desire.
• we understand that our shadow side and our mistakes are not who we are but merely the means by which we learn to become who we truly are.

Because we love ourselves:

• we are able to love others unconditionally because we accept the shadow side and the mistakes of others, just as we accept them in ourselves.
• we do not try to change others or encourage them to abandon their truth and heart’s desire.
• we do not stay with people whose choices prevent us from living in, and speaking, our truth.
• we accept that even with those we feel a strong familial, cultural, or romantic connection may not be able to accompany us on the path of our truth and we allow our paths to diverge, loving them all the while.
• we accord our loved ones the freedom to travel the path of their heart’s desire wherever it may lead, even if it does leads away from us.
• we know that love has nothing to do with possessiveness, control or jealousy.
• we do not stay with people who physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually attack or abuse us.
• we understand that living our own truth is synonymous with love and it is the only path to love, peace, joy and true fulfillment.